I do not feel comfortable knowing that people like or love me. It is very easy to interact and keep it going until I find out that the other person – male or female – likes me. The natural possibility of romance or closer relationship scares me very much. I want relationships, I want to have a boyfriend, however I am very, very scared about it.
You’ve been treated with the do-it-my-way-or-I-do-not-love-you-anymore medicine. You’ve “experienced” that loving you the way you are “is not possible”, “it is not possible to happen”, “others cannot possibly love me the way I am” “because” you make mistakes, you “are wrong”, and everybody will get disappointed with you sooner or later. You found out that it is not possible to be somebody else, on the other part: it is not possible to be “no-mistake”, “no-faulty” person, the one that “others” like, all the time at no cost.
Changing this paradigm may also present some “risks” as it equals with changing “everything” – your base, your roots – and being disloyal, at the same time, to your parents, society, friends – your “roots”.
Taking ownership, becoming “the authority”, may look like “leaving things/ persons behind” and may trigger additional emotional challenges.
Besides being uncomfortable with the persons loving you at their own choice, you also think that you “have to” love everybody, that it’s your duty, that it is wrong to have choices regarding people, and that you hurt them.
It is the consequence of using love as currency for what other people – your parents, your teachers, your friends, society – wanted you to be and behave. It is also the misinterpretation of what be, and do good is.
As much as you may understand all that with your mind, it is really difficult to accept it emotionally. You’ve been wounded, and you need the attention the wounded “need”, and also the recovery, the joy of “living” you. You are free to love whom you want, nobody is hurting you but yourself, your feelings of hurt and sorrow, your perceived – but false – need to comply to a reality where love can be bought, deserved, and preserved by doing. You exist, so you are loved. We may “love” you or not. And, as well, you may “love” us or not. However, love is everywhere. You just need to love yourself and receive the love you give. You just be grateful for the love you feel and receive (this will also interrupt any connection with the person you might be uncomfortable with). We don’t owe anybody anything.
Love is everywhere. The more you understand this, the more you understand that it exists, that it is unconditional, that it simply is, the more you’ll be able to “get” it, to receive. And this is the key – being able to receive. Love yourself, it will make you be grateful and at ease every time you feel external love – you’ll “know” what it is, and you’ll know it is endless, unconditional, there. It doesn’t “depend on” anything. You will not feel the need to give anybody anything anymore. It simply is. You are just now able to see. However, you may become conscious that the more that you give to yourself and the more that you receive from yourself is “mirrored” immediately in others and sent back to you. We “love” you or not. And, as well, you “love” us or not. You just be grateful for the love you feel and receive, this will interrupt any connection with the person you might be uncomfortable with, and make you just grateful for what it is. We don’t owe anybody anything, not even to ourselves. It simply is. It exists.
