My son is physically striking other children, sometimes he strikes us, adults, as well. He feels incompetent at doing so, yet he keeps doing it again. He looks up and I see the question. I do not know it means “can I do it again?” or “is this correct?”. I also feel a lot of aggression around me, and I do not know what to do.
We all want a certain amount of love. We believe it comes from the others. And we don’t know very sure what it is.
People love and are loved in many ways, from physical touch to being encouraged, being gifted presents, or serviced. Some people just feel time is the most precious that is, so spending time in a certain way makes them feel complete, fulfilled.
People do not know what kind of love they treasure most – they desire and long for – they sometimes feel un-loved, and they just ask for more, not knowing of what that “more” is.
Even given considerate amounts of “love”, people will not be happy, feel loved, until they receive that “certain” love.
It seems that your son wants to be loved – and he loves – physically. He wants to be touched, caressed, tickled, pillow-fought, carpet-wrestled, hugged, kissed, and any other activity based on physical contact.
It may be soft and gentle, to rough and tough, it depends on his preference, you need to discover.
When he is not given enough physical contact, he starts feeling he’s not loved. He starts kicking and striking hoping to get into the physical experience he is so much longing for. He does not know the gentler forms of physical love, so he “forces” physical connection by pushing the other person to respond, most commonly, with physical combat.
When you feel physical aggression around you – including verbal – most likely you prefer being loved in this physical way, too, and you do not feel loved anymore. You haven’t had enough physical contact recently, or the fundamentals of you being loved appropriately, according to your desire, were not set.
In case of your son, start sharing physical contact, encouraging him to show you what he is looking (and longing) for. When you hit “the spot”, he will get back to you – and everybody else – in a gentler way, being much more family and friends oriented than strangers. He will feel part of your “group” – family & friends – and he will feel confident to express himself in his own “loving” way.
Changing your behavior into giving him what he wants, sets the fundamentals of him feeling loved everytime and everywhere, regardless of who is or is not around. People feel loved within first, and then by others. When the “within” is not there, “other people” – be all the rest of the world – are insufficient.
Together with your son, heal yourself, your inner self most specifically. Allow and send your inner child as much physical contact as you can – hug her, hold her, comb her hair, anything she wants. You will feel the love coming to you – adult self – as well. The more love you give to your inner child, the less aggression will be around you. You will completely fail to feel it, as it does not exist anymore.
It helps encouraging your inner child, healing the past, and setting the fundamentals of you being – and feeling – loved. First from within, and then by everybody else.
