“I am completely crazy when someone gets ill. I feel inability, madness, fury against it. I am focused on solving “the illness”, of fixing it, getting things to where they used to be, and try to forget about it. Although I am not furious on the person for getting ill, it very much looks like it. And I do not think I feel/ show any empathy.”
You are very much afraid of feeling the pain. You cannot go through this experience without feeling it. Let your pain “consume you”, feel it with every cell. Feel (live) your fear against it, your own resistance to your own situation, your own pain. Realize that there is nothing wrong with you. Observe what is going on. Let it be. There’ll be much more pain the more you feel it, you’ll find the way to look it, to feel it, to be curious about it. It is showing you the way. Soon you’ll loose it, you’ll only feel the curiosity for the “movie” that’s going in. Remain the observer, stay out of it. Sent it love if you feel like it. Require enlightenment and clarity, allow them to be. Feel your feelings.
Another reason you’re feeling the distress when someone around is ill is that it ruins your “plans”. It is like it is going against you. Rewind the above exercise, it covers your own fear of pain.
It may also appear that you’ve ruined your plans and you are “confined” to structure – the “fixity” of the medical treatments, their “rigidity”, their structure. You need to let go of the structure, to trust you, to let the beings heal themselves as they consider fit, trust their instincts. The lesson is to see the “other”, not the treatment, there is the empathy.
Connect and disconnect as many times as you feel, remember these milestones – the truth you’re looking for in your pain, the lesson of feeling and trusting the “structure” in you – and you will shed the layers of your distress on the way. You will find all around you are healthier and you will finally find it unnoticed.
